


interrupted by fireworks

by nostalgicphan



Category: Amazingphil - Fandom, Danisnotonfire - Fandom, Phandom, dan and phil
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Angst, Boyfriends, Fluff, Gay, Happy Ending, LGBT, M/M, Original au, Phan - Freeform, Queer Themes, Romantic Fluff, Romantic Soulmates, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-11-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:21:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 62
Words: 2,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21544432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nostalgicphan/pseuds/nostalgicphan
Summary: [ 2009!phan au ]dan has the strange ability to hear whenever anybody anywhere is saying something positive about him.for the past ten years, he’s been living in silence, dealing with the fact that nobody out there has anything good to say about him.until one day, he hears something...
Relationships: Dan Howell & Phil Lester, Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 1
Kudos: 48





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> tw: use of “queer” as a slur in chapters 6, 28, & 41  
> 

it’s my birthday.

i’m eighteen.

today marks ten years

since i last heard a single

positive word about me.


	2. Chapter 2

i heard it. i just heard it.

it’s been ten years but i just heard it again and 

i don’t know what to do or how to handle this.

those five cursed words echo in my head.

_ “he’s got such pretty eyes.” _

who said it

and why? 


	3. Chapter 3

i remember the last time.

it was at my eighth birthday party.

a nice boy with deep blue eyes

gave me a present

and whispered to his mom

that i was his

best

friend.

i was so happy.


	4. Chapter 4

it ended

when i told him

the truth.


	5. Chapter 5

“good morning, daniel!”

my mum rips the curtains open

and i am blinded

by bright rays of sunshine

a light i don’t deserve

a morning i didn’t crave

a reminder i wish i could force away.


	6. Chapter 6

my grandfather looks at me

and shakes his head

in disappointment.

“still wearing those queer little outfits,

daniel?

i thought you would have

grown out of it

by now.”

i stare him down

until he shrugs and goes back

to watching his

stupid 

fucking 

football.


	7. Chapter 7

i never told anybody about what i could hear.

not truly.

i tried to tell my mum

because i was scared

but she chalked it up to childhood fantasy

and too much sugar.

so i told nobody.


	8. Chapter 8

my grandparents got me a pair of socks.

wool.

“for when you get cold in the winter!”

my grandmum beamed.

they’ve gotten me socks 

every year since i turned twelve.

i don’t know why.

i don’t really care, though.


	9. Chapter 9

he had brown hair

long like mine, but darker.

eyes blue like the deepest ocean

and voice clear and crisp

like dew on a leaf

or ice crunching in one’s mouth.

hands soft to the touch,

just a bit taller than me,

smile brighter than snow.

he was an angel,

and i loved him.


	10. Chapter 10

my angel fled

when he saw

what was inside my heart.


	11. Chapter 11

that was the last time i heard it.

i was eight.

i’ve been unhappy

ever since.


	12. Chapter 12

how can one be happy

knowing the whole world

wouldn’t give a shit

if you just

disappeared?

they say knowledge is freedom,

but i say it’s a prison.

i’m locked in my head,

trapped in the silence

that reminds me

with every heartbeat

i am alone

i am unloved

i am nothing.


	13. Chapter 13

it’s interesting

how easily people can lie

right to your face.

how they can tell you

you’re amazing

you’re special

you’re loved

blatantly dripping in fallacies

smiling wider than the english channel

with eyes dead like an unplugged television set.

mind empty

pouring static as words

hollow words

from hollow souls

with hollow meanings.


	14. Chapter 14

i’ve been out.

shopping for nobody.

maybe myself.

who knows?

it’s my birthday, after all.

i don’t deserve it

but i do like dressing sharp.

maybe i should buy some clothes.


	15. Chapter 15

_ “he’s got such pretty eyes.” _

a whisper.

The whisper.

i knew what it was

right away.

i don’t know who

or where

or why.

all i know

is somebody just said that

about  _ me _ .

i don’t know how i feel about this.


	16. Chapter 16

i want to shrug it off but i can’t.

my heart is racing

and my hands are clammy.

i search the shop

desperately

trying to catch somebody looking at me

somebody whispering to another

somebody

anybody.


	17. Chapter 17

i didn’t find them.

maybe i made it up.

am i really that far gone?

have i started hearing false admirations

after a decade of silence?

i roll over in my bed

stare out the window

at the stars glittering above.

tonight is the first clear night

in a while.

it makes sense,

i suppose.

it’s june, after all.

i close my eyes

tell my brain to shut up

and go to

sleep.


	18. Chapter 18

it’s been a week, and i’ve given up.

i will never hear them again,

never hear anybody again.

i’ll live my life alone

wandering the world

pitying myself

for living in the silence

that only makes me more human.

it’s amusing

how one can live in such torment

at losing something

that shouldn’t have been given to them

in the first place.


	19. Chapter 19

i’m sitting on a bridge

looking down.

i’m not going to jump.

i’m behind the rail.

i just wonder

what it would feel like.

would the world

miss my silence?


	20. Chapter 20

my mum

convinced me

\- forced me,

i should say -

to get a job in the centre.

i suspect it’s so i can move out soon.

i applied to the first store i could find.

a cute little bookstore.


	21. Chapter 21

why did i hear it again?

_ “that’s the cute boy i saw the other day!” _

who said it?

who remembered me?


	22. Chapter 22

a pretty boy walked into the shop today.

he had jet black hair

and sky blue eyes.

i only know this because

when he came up to make his purchase

i lost myself in them for a few seconds.


	23. Chapter 23

i haven’t heard the stranger since that second time.

it helped, though.

knowing it wasn’t impossible 

for me to hear it again.

i’d thought i’d live in silence forever.


	24. Chapter 24

the pretty boy

from the shop? 

his name is phil


	25. Chapter 25

it’s been a month since the second time i heard it

but he just spoke.

his voice sounds familiar

but i can’t place where exactly

i’ve heard it before.

he said he likes my dimples.

i guess whoever it is

has seen me smile.


	26. Chapter 26

phil came in today again.

i complimented his shirt.

muse.

the resistance.

a great album.


	27. Chapter 27

he’s asked me what other things i enjoy.

turns out we have lots in common.

he’s been coming in the shop an awful lot.

i’m glad the cutest customer

also happens to be a regular.


	28. Chapter 28

my mum asked me today

if i was still gay.

i told her yes.

she scowled.

“i don’t know what went wrong.

i didn’t want to

raise a queer.”


	29. Chapter 29

it’s saturday

and i’m in the park.

usually i flee

my parents

by hiding in my room

but they’ve gotten too much for me.

they want me to move out

soon.

believe me,

i want to leave.

i don’t know if i can afford to.

i don’t know what i’ll do.


	30. Chapter 30

somebody is standing next to me.

i don’t feel like turning.

“hey,” they say

and i realise

it’s phil.

holy shit.

what is he doing here?


	31. Chapter 31

we got lunch.

i ended up spilling my guts to him.

i don’t know why.

it just happened.

i almost cried.

i haven’t had somebody to talk to

about stuff like this

ever.


	32. Chapter 32

he paid for my lunch

even though i insisted i could.

he said

i had to save

so i could get out

and be independent.

i gave up

when he suggested

i pay for a lunch

once i have a place.


	33. Chapter 33

is it bad

that i have a crush

on this boy


	34. Chapter 34

i was woken up  
by the voice.  
sounded like they were on a phone call.  
i only heard blurbs  
as all i can hear  
is positive things people say about me.  
i guess it’s better than the alternative,  
right?  
i probably wouldn’t be here  
if i knew  
all the negative things  
anybody has ever said about me.


	35. Chapter 35

i think it was phil.


	36. Chapter 36

gorgeous eyes.

a lovely voice.

a kind soul

brave heart.

he deserves better.

i want him to be happy.

these are all things

he said

about

me.


	37. Chapter 37

i checked my savings today

and realised

i had enough

to find a cheap flat

and live

on my own.


	38. Chapter 38

today when phil came in  
i told him the good news.  
turns out  
i’m moving into  
the same building as him.  
small world, right?


	39. Chapter 39

he helped me move in.  
“what are friends for,  
right?”  
it feels nice  
hearing somebody else  
call themself  
my friend.


	40. Chapter 40

i’m laying on my bed  
in my new room.  
my mind is racing.  
today he casually mentioned  
that he’s gay  
too.  
i stare out my window  
and admire the pride flag  
phil gave me  
as a house-warming gift  
glowing in the light  
of a million  
glittering  
stars.  
space said gay rights.


	41. Chapter 41

yesterday a man at the shop  
commented on my  
pride pin.  
“i’m surprised  
they let queers  
work here.  
the owners are religious,  
after all.”


	42. Chapter 42

the man was an idiot.  
the owners are nice.  
i know they’re religious.  
i mentioned  
my queerness  
before i applied.  
they said  
they didn’t care  
and that they despise  
people who use religion  
as an excuse for their bigotry.


	43. Chapter 43

i broke down.  
phil was there.  
i started to cry  
as he was talking to me  
because i remembered  
the man.  
i tried to run to the back room  
but he followed.  
i hate myself.  
he saw me  
i was a mess  
i cried  
and i shook  
like a child


	44. Chapter 44

he said he cared about me though.  
told me it was okay to cry  
because it was mean,  
what that man said.  
all my life i’ve been told  
men don’t cry.  
but i guess  
i was told that men  
don’t like men either.  
so fuck it all.  
i’ll do what i want.


	45. Chapter 45

yesterday i invited phil  
to watch a movie  
at my place  
tonight.  
we’re gonna watch wall-e.  
i’ve heard it’s good.


	46. Chapter 46

i cried.


	47. Chapter 47

i heard the voice again.  
it was phil.  
no doubt about it.  
he said  
that  
he  
wants  
to  
ask  
me  
out.


	48. Chapter 48

i’m nervous.


	49. Chapter 49

phil hasn’t come into the shop for a couple days.  
wonder what happened.  
why the fuck don’t i have his phone number???


	50. Chapter 50

after a week  
of silence  
i saw him  
again.  
not in the shop.  
i saw him  
while i was getting lunch  
by myself.  
he was with   
some boy  
with dark fringe.  
i hid.


	51. Chapter 51

today is the first day of fall.  
i’m working after closing  
reshelving books  
when somebody  
comes in the shop.  
“we’re closed,” i start to say,  
but i turn around  
and see  
phil.


	52. Chapter 52

“hey, dan,”  
he smiles.  
i can’t say anything.  
i don’t know what to think.  
i’ve heard nothing  
since i saw him  
with that guy.  
i’m scared.


	53. Chapter 53

“i know you’re closed.  
i just wanted to, uhh,  
talk to you,” he says.  
i’m still staring mutely.  
he clears his throat.  
“i  
uh  
i don’t know how to say this  
actually  
i’ve been procrastinating this  
for a few days now  
because i’m scared  
of how you would reply  
but uhh  
do you want to go out with me  
like  
on a date?”


	54. Chapter 54

i cried.  
third time’s a charm  
i guess.


	55. Chapter 55

we’ve exchanged phone numbers  
gone on a few dates  
and followed each other  
on twitter  
myspace  
and dailybooth.  
turns out the dark-fringed guy  
is phil’s friend.  
the friend he’s been gushing to about me,  
i assume,  
as the first time we met  
he said  
he’s heard a lot about me.  
his name’s pj.  
he’s a cool dude.


	56. Chapter 56

i asked him  
to be my boyfriend  
and he  
said  
yes.


	57. Chapter 57

it’s november  
and we’ve just taken a trip  
to manchester.  
we rode on the eye  
and watched avatar in 3-d  
and just generally had lots of fun.  
he’s dear to my heart.


	58. Chapter 58

we’ve been dating for about a  
month and a half now.  
i told him yesterday  
what i can hear.  
he found it hard to believe  
obviously  
but he went into a different room  
called pj  
and told him he loved my cheesy grin.  
when i repeated it to him  
he believed me  
and now Phil  
and pj  
know.


	59. Chapter 59

i still have bad days  
but i know i will get through them  
because if i hadn’t gotten through them before  
i would have never known Phil.


	60. Chapter 60

just moved into Phil’s flat.   
wait  
i mean  
our flat.


	61. Chapter 61

it’s new years eve  
and Phil and i have been dating for a few months.  
we’re at a party  
in a corner  
by ourselves.  
i love him,  
i really do.  
i still remember  
the first time i looked into his eyes  
and my heart did that flippy-over thing.  
we’re looking in each others eyes now  
people counting down in the background  
 _ten, nine,_  
i love him  
 _seven, six,_  
i love him with every fibre of my being  
 _three, two,_  
i’m about to say it  
give him a little reminder  
of how thankful i am  
he came into my life  
turned it upside down  
and filled it with beautiful sound once again  
but before i can  
his lips meet mine  
and i’m interrupted by fireworks.


	62. Chapter 62

sometimes all it takes

are a few positive words

to save a soul.

go, brave heart,

spread light into this world.

thank you for reading.

<3


End file.
